The 5 Worst Christmas Movies of All Time

By Ivory Alexander

Ivory Alexander, Contributor

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It may be the most wonderful time of the year, but it can be the worst time of the year for movies around the holidays. True, while there are modern day Christmas comedies like Elf or the 1990 original Home Alone, which was briefly the third top-grossing film of all time, there are stinkers such as the Star Wars Holiday Special and the dreaded Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

So get comfortable on the sofa and drink your eggnog, because here are the top 5 worst Christmas movies of all time. Bah Humbug, indeed.

5. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

How far would you have to go to think of a title such as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians? How -excuse me- drunk do you have to be to come up with an equally dumb and insane premise such as this one? To be fair, or as fair as I can get with this movie, the premise could be funny, perhaps even a dumb kind of fun, the kind of fun that makes you want to turn your brain off. Sadly, you’ll be falling asleep as you watch actors in bad costumes try to kidnap our beloved Santa Claus from Earth. Surprisingly, it has grown to cult status in modern day, mostly only so people can laugh at the cheesiness of it all. Take us to your Santa!

4. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

What do you get when you mix religious fanaticism, Christmas, and crackpot theories? Well, you get Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas of course! With Cameron’s questionable views aside, the film is all about God and Christianity, despite the fact that it’s supposed to be about Christmas. The only “sane” man in the flick is Cameron’s brother-in-law, Christian, who does make some valid points on the heavily commercialized and consumerist holiday, but it’s all pushed aside so Cameron can spout some completely made up facts about how the tree is supposed to signify the cross Jesus died on (I’m not making this up), or how Santa was actually a guy that would beat people up if they said a bad word about the Lord and then he would give gifts to believers. Cameron never once cites his sources, and I feel as though if he did, it would be from Wikipedia. If you want to be thoroughly depressed, show your children a whole 79 minutes of Kirk Cameron shoving his Evangelical Christian views down their throats and how nutcrackers are apparently serial killers now.

3. Stars Wars Holiday Special (1978)

What comes into your head when you think about Star Wars? I don’t know about you, but I think of eccentric four-armed alien cooks, Bea Arthur singing to a living rat, and a family sitcom of a Chewbacca family. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Well, moviegoers didn’t think so, and this 70s train wreck was so bad that George Lucas himself disliked the special and reportedly said, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it.” Yeah, pretty bad! The plot makes no sense, the main characters of the original trilogy are barely in it, and it isn’t so much about Christmas as it is about you slamming your head against the wall in boredom. We all love Star Wars, but even one of the biggest franchises in history has a few duds along the way.

2. Jack Frost (1998)

I guess the director thought that your father dying in a snowstorm, coming back as a possessed snowman (the stuff of nightmares in the above image), and trying to be your friend and halting your grieving process would make a good plot for a Christmas movie.  The creepy monster aside, the movie is less about Christmas and seems more like a family drama of a neglectful father who seems perfectly okay with dying and no longer having internal organs (or a heart for that matter). The story is as stupid and bland as a movie about “Jack Frost” -yeah, that’s the father’s name, by the way- and frankly, you have to see it with your own two eyes to believe it.

1. I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1998)

I don’t know what the writers were exactly on when they wrote this, but when you have Randy from Home Improvement literally take a slab of meat, put it in a cooler, and lie to a bus of people that you have to deliver a kidney transplant to a dying little girl just so you can get a free ride, you have to be either high or pretty drunk.

We all have unlikable protagonists, but Jonathan Taylor Thomas plays Jake Wilkinson, a college student who decides to return home to his estranged father after he offers him his prized vintage 1957 Porsche 356 if Jake is by home by 6:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve. You heard that right, folks. A movie about a holiday of giving to others less unfortunate actually has our “lovable” main character, who selfishly cut off his father because of his mom dying, only decide to go home on Christmas because he was offered a brand new car.

The whole movie is just a slug fest of Jake lying to people, clichés, old jokes, dumb plotting and empty cheerful sanitized gimmicks thrown at us. You keep wondering if you’re stuck in a loop with this movie, but trust me, you will feel every one of those precious 86 minutes.

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